Don't Worry, Breathe Freezy
by Cometstrike
Summary: Ratchet and Clank were casually stealing...entertainment from their friend Neffy when an unexpected avalanche takes their small journey to a different turn. With a certain suspicious female cazar on their tails, it won't be easy to cover this up. My first Ratchet and Clank fanfic Twoshot
1. Chapter 1

"Claaannk!"

"Yes, Ratchet? What is it?"

The lombax ran and slid to a stop next to his friend, who had been waiting patiently by a hacked access terminal; Ratchet had gone ahead into Dr. Nefarious's secret base, instructing Clank to stay there for his safety. Now he stared at the organic, who was breathing hard and having a fit.

"What is it?" Clank repeated. "Why are you shaking? Do you need to access a bathroom? HUNH!" His hand was grabbed, and the next thing he knew, he was on Ratchet's back-strangely, the world seemed topsy-turvey. Mildly confused and wondering if his servos were working correctly, he felt his friend take off.

"Clank-there's-a-a-freaking-Nefarious-gonna blow-" Ratchet panted, sprinting as hard as he could through the snow that surrounded and covered everything; Nefarious had decided to build a new base on Siberius. "-Gah-!"

Wiping the snow from his eyes, Clank turned his head and said, " A…Nefarious? I do not understand, Ratchet? Are you implying that there is more than one Dr. Nefarious? And it is going to spontaneously combust?"

"No, I'm saying that-"

**_BOOOOOOOOOM!_**

The duo was blasted forward as the secret facility behind them exploded extremely violently.

"WHOAAAAAAAAAAAA! HANG ON, CLANK!" Ratchet screamed, closing his eyes as he tumbled head over heels in the air. "-Oopmph!"

-and landed in a snow bank. The lombax skidded through the snow for a few yards, then stopped when he was inches away from the cliff edge. He opened his eyes and looked down at the ground.

Or, what would be the ground if he could see it.

Clank, still inverted on Ratchet's back, felt his friend do a sharp intake of breath, then mutter, "_Oohh_, boy. _Oohh,_ mama…"

"What is it now?" The robot asked automatically. The lombax had yet to answer his first question due to the sudden explosion, and the little trip through this winter wonderland wasn't exactly on his list of things to do while they were there.

"Cl-clank, don't move." Ratchet said, backing up very slowly. "We're right on the edge of this freaking planet."

Clank sat still, not wanting Ratchet to panic. True, they were near a cliff, but had anything happened, he could always use his helipack or thruster pack. It must be an organic thing, panicking and forgetting simple things that just might help them. He could feel something pounding, very distinctively, near his back.

"Take a deep breath, Ratchet." He felt the lombax do so, and the pounding lessened by 15.624% "And don't make any sudden movements."

"Right." Ratchet said; they were now five feet away from the edge, but they were at the bottom of a slope and navigation back up would be difficult. Excpecially when you're navigating backwards. "-Auhm, Clank?"

"Yes?"

"I think this cold weather's getting to me, I have to sneeze." Ratchet said, his voice wavering a bit as he said it.

"If you sneeze, we might slide!" Clank told him, now getting his bearings and realizing he was still upside down on Ratchet's harness-if they fell, he wouldn't be able to activate his helipack or thruster pack.

"Oh, really?" Ratchet deadpanned, then Clank felt the organic's body stiffen.

"Oh no." The robot muttered.

"NAAHH-_CHOOOO_!" Ratchet sneezed violently into the snow bank, making some of the ice crystals fly up like confetti and land on his and Clank's face. "AHhhhHH-_AHHHH_! GAHHH_CHOOOOOOO_!" Another wave of snow flew up, landing on the top of Ratchet's ears and making him look like he'd frosted over in the night.

"Ahh. That's much better." the lombax sighed. He paused for a second, sniffing. "….uh-wha? What's that noise?"

"What noise?" Clank asked. He listened closely, but didn't hear any thing. Ratchet tilted his ears back, due south west. "That rumbling noise. I thought I heard something... ah, well," He tried standing, slowly lifting himself up with is hands. "It's probably Neffy blowing his top at what's been done to his base!"

"What happened in there, anyway?" Clank asked.

"Ahh, see it was kinda my fault-" Ratchet began, standing up shakily. Clank facepalmed.

"I knew it." He muttered.

"Hey, well it's kinda his fault for leaving a highly reactive generator unattended while it's in a room full of oil and gas products!" Ratchet said in a accusing tone. He slipped and slid slightly, making his way slowly up the ridge.

Clank's eyes widened. "He…did that?"

"Yeah!" Ratchet panted, pulling his wrench out to help him balance, " -left the dang thing when it was close to blowing up! I just happened to walk into the room where it was. If I'd gotten there sooner, I probably could've stopped it from blowing." A puff of air escaped from Ratchet's lips as he steadied himself.

"I guess he wasn't keeping it neutralized, because it wasn't at room temperature- it was like, red red hot! So I got my ass outta there! But," He added, "…not before I got…you know what…"

"Ooooh!" Clank said excitedly, clenching his hands and bouncing upside down in Ratchet's harness, "You got them? _All_ of them?"

"You bet I did, buddy." Ratchet answered. He finally made it to the top, seeing the remains of the Dr.'s base. "The whole-freaking-set!"

Clank popped off and stood next to Ratchet. "Well, he'll certainly be after your blood and my oil. He will probably assume we blew his base up."

Ratchet opened his mouth, but Clank added, "Not to mention, we've already possibly made someone upset today. Remember when Sasha told us she wanted us to stay at the Phoenix and rest?"

He paused as Ratchet made a face that said he remembered but really didn't.

"After that incident with Mr. Zurgo, she's been very concerned for our well-being." Clank finished.

"Ah, whatever! We got what we wanted, so now we just gotta head back to the Solana galaxy before she-" The lombax froze, one ear tilted to the west, where another cliff overlooked the one they were on. That rumbling sound. There it was again-this time, it was louder, and Clank could hear as well.

"Clank, you hear that?" Ratchet spoke slowly, listening hard. "It almost sounds like a-"

"Avalanche?" Clank suggested.

The ground started shaking. "Uh-"

Suddenly, a huge mass of snow started flowing over the edge of the cliff like lava, spreading and engulfing everything. And Ratchet and Clank were standing in it's pathway.

His eyes half-closed, Ratchet looked down at Clank calmly.

"Want to join me in running for our lives?" The lombax asked.

"I most certainly would," The robot answered, then was yanked up by his screaming best friend. "COWABUNGAAAAAAAAAAA!" Ratchet threw himself down the nearest slope and began sliding down, hoping to outrace the avalanche. This time Clank was on the harness the correct way, and now he could mark the avalanche's position relative to Ratchet's. It seemed to be gaining on them.

"Uh-Ratchet!"

"Yeah?"

"I believe that it is catching up to us. It is approximately 34.8 cubits behind us. " Clank said carefully, making sure his calculations were correct.

"Which means that we're pretty much SCRE-EEWED!" Ratchet screeched, dodging a fallen tree and stumbling a bit on the slippery slope. Getting an idea, he pulled his wrench out, held it in front of him, then dived forward. Now they were moving a lot faster, sliding on Ratchet's Omniwrench like a makeshift board.

"WOOO-HOOOOO! This is working, it's actually working!" Ratchet cried, steering using his body weight. "You know this would actually be _FUN_ if we weren't running for our_ LIVES_! Wha-" Then he paused and screamed again. "CLANK, THERE'S ANOTHER AVALANCHE! I CAN HEAR IT, IT'S ABOUT TO CUT US OFF!"

Clank quickly scanned the area in front of them; sure enough, in about 3.7 seconds, the rocky cliff face to their extreme left would have another mound of snow cascade over its edge. "Ratchet, to your right!"

Grunting, the lombax pulled to the right sharply , still narrowly avoiding the second avalanche. "Ah, shit! Well, this is just great!" Ratchet yelled over the noisy din. "How we gonna get outta this-"

His comlink started beeping. Forcing a hand underneath his stomach, he pressed it. "Hello?" He asked calmly, as if he and Clank weren't being chased by two shit tons of snow.

"It's me, guys." The voice on the end said. Ratchet suppressed the urge to say a very bad word. _Damn, she's got bad timing!_

"How're you two doing? You guys left this morning and several of the Rangers said you'd left without saying anything."

"Ah, we're fine, Sasha." Ratchet said casually, steering to avoid a huge tree stump. "Ah, fu-!" _That was close!_

"What are you two doing?" The cazar asked suspiciously, finally noticing the loud rumbling in the background. "You two aren't doing any hero work are you?"

"No, of course not!" Ratchet scoffed, plowing right through a snow mound. "_Oomph_!-we're just watching a bit of Holo-vid. Aren't we, Clank?"

"Yes, we are currently watching an episode of the Science Channel entitled, "Snow Monkey Junkie"," Clank called from the lombax's back; Ratchet tossed his head back cackled madly at the made-up title. "It showcases scientists synthesizing chilled particles of H2O while juggling Florana One Eyed Monkeys wearing corporate outfits using a giant hamster wheel. Care for more explanation?"

"Ah, no Clank, that won't be necessary," Sasha chuckled lightly. "Anyway, I'd better leave you guys alone-"

Suddenly, Ratchet's Omniwrench clipped a huge boulder that had literally popped out of no where; this caused the duo to spin out crazily.

"_WHOAWHOAWHOAWHOAWHOAWHOAWHOAWHOA_!" Ratchet screamed; it was like he was in a freaking washing machine with everything spinning around him in a speedy blur.

"Ratchet, what's wrong?!" Sasha asked.

A scream answered her as the lombax's wrench hit a snag and he and Clank went flying through the air for the second time that day, soaring over a cliff-and landing on the opposite side on another one. The both hit the snow with loud plops.

Groaning, Ratchet sat up.

"Well," He said, helping Clank out and dusting him off, "-Could've been worse-"

Then his wrench fell out the sky and hit him across the head.

"…ow…"

"Ratchet, that doesn't sound like Florana One-Eyed monkeys being juggled to me." Sasha told him.

There was a pause as Ratchet and Clank glanced at each other, their eyes popping.

"…well then. Since you're watching Holo-vid, I'm sure you wouldn't mind if I came to join you," Sasha said finally. "I'm downloading the coordinates from your NavUnit and I'll see you there! Bye!"

"Sasha, wait!" Ratchet cried. He got no answer. Sighing, he looked at Clank, who had the robot equivalent of a smug expression on his face. "What?"

"I told you we should've at least given a false story as to where we were instead of just leaving," Clank grinned at Ratchet. "She probably wouldn't have called us so soon. Heheheheheh!"

Ratchet's eyebrows tightened as he glared back at the mountain that still had the avalanche going over it, "It almost worked until that stupid rock popped up! I didn't even see it until I crashed into it, it was like the mountain was all like, _Hey, I'm just gonna randomly shit out this old boulder to get in your way_-oh, by the way-"He grinned as he looked down at Clank, who was dusting snow off himself. "Snow Monkey Junkie? Are you serious?"

"Silly it sounds, yes, but she did fall for it-"

"I know, that was a stroke of genius! It's_ hilarious_!" He paused, then muttered the fake title again to himself before cracking up into laughter. The lombax dropped to his knees and began rolling around in the snow, flailing his arms like a drunk person. "Oh, my sides…oh I can't breathe holy crap that'sfunny…."

Clank chortled at seeing Ratchet rolling on the ground. "Well, it seems that I have struck a good nerve."

After Ratchet finally calmed down (which was ten minutes later), he pushed himself up, stumbling slightly, and they both made their way back to their ship.

"I am kind of worried as to what will happen if Sasha discovers what we've been doing today." Clank stated. "I have a feeling she will somehow find out we have been in potential danger during our raid…"

"Well... hey you know what? It's not she'll be able to get here like that," Ratchet said, snapping his fingers. "So all we gotta do is hightail it outta here before Nefarious sees us and blames us-he'll make a big fuss, but it'll be like we were never here….but we were…but he can't blame us cause he has no proof…" The lombax rambled without really thinking, earning himself a perplexed and somewhat amused look from Clank. This went unnoticed, (of course) and Ratchet added:

"Ha ha! I wonder what Sasha'll do when she sees she picked up coordinates from a planet in the Bogon Galaxy! Boy, she'll be steamed!"

"….hmmm. What?" Sasha stared at the numbers on her screen. "Coordinates lead me to a planet named Siberius…wait, we don't have a planet named that in Solana!"

A Galactic Ranger turned in his seat. "Um, miss Sasha? I believe that planet Siberius is in the Bogon Galaxy, not Solana."

Sasha frowned. "Why are they there of all places? And how'd they get to Bogon so fast? It usually takes at least two days..."

"Um, well." The Galactic Ranger, H22 muttered. "Well…I heard…Dr. Nefarious had built another base there-"

Sasha's forehead crumpled up, and the robot faltered into silence. In fact, it got silent throughout the whole control room. And the hallway. And the rest of the Phoenix for that matter.

A angry scream echoed through the hallways.

**_"I'M GOING TO KICK THEIR BUTTS!"_**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Second and final part :D**_

* * *

That night Ratchet and Clank were sitting in their apartment on Megalopolis, watching Lance and Janice's season four episode, 'Buxom Bimbos in Bogon'.

"Man, I don't believe that, Clank! Those aren't even real!" Ratchet snarled to his best friend. "She'd be top heavy ten times over in real life!"

"I do believe certain characteristics may be embellished to provide…." The robot paused, trying to find the right words. "…customer satisfaction."

"It's eye candy, Clank. Just say it." Ratchet snorted. He pulled the box with the rest of the Lance and Janice episodes in it. "Anyway. I wonder where Nefarious thinks his Holo-vid collection of Lance and Janice got to?"

"Using logical and deductive reasoning, he would only assume that they were lost in the explosion." Clank said.

"Yeah, but we really know where they went, huh?" Ratchet's eyes glinted mischievously. "Howsa about we keep half here and half on Veldin?"

A knock came at the door. Ratchet leaped off the couch, shuffling to the door. "It's probably that pizza I ordered from Pepperoni Palooza!"

He opened the door.

There was an angry, female cazar standing in the doorframe.

There was a pause, and she suddenly saw the door shutting quickly in her face.

"RATCHET, OPEN THIS DOOR!"

Clank stared, wide eyed, at Ratchet as the Lombax flattened himself on the metal door. "Ratchet? I assume that it is Sasha?"

His golden friend nodded quickly. "You assumed right." He jerked a bit as the door was pushed from the outside. "Man, she's gonna kick our butts!"

He heard an angry growl from outside, and the door was bombarded with what sounded like fists. Ratchet's eyes widened. "What, is she trying to_ punch_ a _metal_ door down?"

"Maybe it would be wise to let her in," Clank suggested. "...barricading her outside only seems to make her angrier."

Suddenly, they heard someone else's voice outside: "Excuse me miss, I see you're having a bit of a blowout, but I gotta deliver this here pizza to Ratchet and Clank-Oh!"

The duo looked at each other, listening hard as the newcomer continued,"…president advisor Phyronix! I couldn't tell who you were in the dark!"

There was silence for a moment. Then-

"So uh….why are you trying to break down the door?"

Ratchet pressed an ear to the door, listening to Sasha. "I'm just taking a quick leave of absence to join up with two old friends of mine." The cazar simpered. "Unfortunately, they don't feel the same way!_ Auuguuhh_….." And then suddenly she started wailing.

Clank was amused to see the look of confusion and astonishment on Ratchet's face as he turned to look at him. "Maybe you should just open the door." The robot said. "She is obviously under more distress than we thought."

"Uhh…okay, guess I shouldn't have slammed the door in her face…" Ratchet replied, rubbing the back of his head and still looking half dazed. Clank's shoulders hunched as he tried to keep himself from laughing. Times when Ratchet is shocked or surprised prove to be very entertaining to him.

The lombax pressed the button which activated the door, and it slid up. He was punted backwards as Sasha roared into the room like a freight train. "_Oof_!"

"Ratchet, Clank, I thought I asked you two not to go on any dangerous missions!" Sasha began immediately. From his position on the floor, Ratchet opened his mouth to speak, but Sasha cut him off, "And what do you two do? Go searching for Dr. Nefarious!"

"Sasha-"

"You two are heroes! You need to rest every now and again!" The female ranted. "Especially with nutcases like Percival Tachyon and Stuart Zurgo going around and causing trouble wherever you two are concerned!"

"But-"

"As much trouble as you two somehow seem to attract, you go out of your way to find it yourselves?"

"Well-"

"So what were you two doing on Siberius besides fooling around with Nefarious? What was that rumbling noise in the background when I called you? Huh? I bet it was an avalanche! Yeah! You were on a planet with snow, and you guys would be the ones to be around an avalan-_W HAAT?!_" She shrieked at Ratchet, who'd raised his hand.

"Um, Sasha-we didn't actually_ talk_ to Nefarious while we were there," Ratchet spoke slowly, trying not to rile her up anymore, and Clank continued, "We were simply…'borrowing' something from him. Unfortunately, Ratchet had previously stated that an unstable generator was prone to blowing up…"

"…and yeah, we did kinda get caught in the blast, and it did kinda almost knock us off of a cliff…" Ratchet said cautiously. "But hey, we made it out, didn't we? Well, I started sneezing like crazy and that's probably what set off the first avalanche-"

"'First avalanche'? Wait," Sasha frowned slightly. "So are you implying that more than one happened?"

"Well…yeah…I guess the second one started because I was yelling and laughing during the first one…"

"That is when you called, Sasha." Clank said.

"Then we flew off a cliff and landed on another one. Oh, and my wrench hit me in the head," Ratchet finished, wearing a stupid grin. "The end."

"Ughhhh." Sasha groaned. "Okay. Allright. _UUGHH!_" She held her hands up to her ears.

Ratchet flinched, pulling a seat cushion in front of himself for protection. As far as he could tell, this could either go two ways-Sasha kicking their asses (verbally or physically, it didn't matter) or Sasha leaving without causing any harm.

He thought.

She's gonna kick our asses.

He turned to Clank, who was sitting petrified looking at Sasha. "Well, Clank, time to say our prayers."

"I'm just relived you guys are all right, okay?" Sasha muttered through her hands. Ratchet and Clank looked at her in surprise. They weren't expecting that reaction. Sasha began moving backwards to the door, where the pizza deliverer was standing awkwardly.

"Just-just-be careful, okay?"

Neither Ratchet and Clank said anything.

"OKAY?!"

"Yes, ma'am!"

"And next time, just at least tell someone where you're going."

"Uh-huh." Ratchet said, now staring at the pizza, already not really paying attention. Clank chuckled next to him.

Sasha squinted at him as she walked backwards, keeping her eyes on the lombax until she had disappeared through the door and into the night.

"Well, that was close!" Clank said. He looked at the doorway. "You can come in now, sir."

"Uh, I hope I wasn't in the middle of anything…" The teenage Novalian muttered. He held out the box. "Here you guys go."

"Do not worry, sir, you weren't." Clank reassured him. He looked at Ratchet, who was eying the box closely. "Was he, Ratchet?"

"Nah." Was the only reply.

With a last slightly worried and bemused look, the delivery boy exited, closing the door behind him.

"…but I do know one thing…" Ratchet started again, lifting a slice of pizza to his mouth.

"What is it?"

"…never annoy Sasha when it's her time of the month."


End file.
